


The slightest bit of light and I can see you clear

by AmyPond45



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Episode: s14e13 Lebanon, Sam has a twin, Sibling Incest, Soulmates, Sunday Morning Porn Club (Supernatural & Supernatural RPF), Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-22 20:53:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20880509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmyPond45/pseuds/AmyPond45
Summary: Sam has a twin, a little brother for Sam and Dean who was born one minute after Sam and has been part of their lives ever since. So why does Sam have a nagging feeling that something’s not quite right?





	The slightest bit of light and I can see you clear

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by Jared’s recent announcement, which made me wonder: The actors will miss their characters, but what will the characters feel? Will they have any sense that they’re missing something, too? This is set a week after the events of 14.13 Lebanon. The title is from Pearl Jam’s “Sirens.” Many thanks to themegalosaurus for the quick beta!

//**//**//

“So, did it work?”

They’re in the bunker library, standing over a spell bowl after performing a spell designed to correct a possible time glitch. The glitch wasn’t critical, so Sam took his time over the spell, making sure the ingredients were mixed just right.

When the final words were spoken, Sam waited a moment, expectant. Hopeful.

Then they both feel it. A jolt like electricity through their veins. A shimmer in the air that made Sam think his vision was blurred.

“I think so.”

Dean rubs his eyes, so Sam knows he saw the same shimmer in the air.

“So, everything’s normal again?”

Sam thinks for a minute. He’s pretty sure he did the spell exactly the right way. So why does he have the creeping feeling something went wrong?

Footsteps echo in the corridor and their brother walks in.

“What’s up, guys?”

Sam’s twin has an open smile, but Sam knows he’s not really curious. He counts on his big brothers to take care of The Weird in their lives. Jared’s the straight man, the one who spent seven years in school, getting a bachelor’s, then a law degree.

Jared’s skills are rooted in the civilian world. He’s gotten them out of more legal jams than they’d like to count.

He’s as much of a hunter as they are, if the need arises. But Sam and Dean have always done the heavy lifting, leaving Jared at home to do the research and make the money that keeps their little family business afloat.

They’re proud of their little brother. Not that they’d ever tell him that. He’s the sunshine in their grim, death-filled lives.

“Sam found another time glitch,” Dean explains. “But he fixed it. It’s all good.” He slaps Sam on the shoulder. “Now how about some lunch?”

As Dean heads to the kitchen, Sam starts cleaning up the spell. He doesn’t realize Jared’s still there until he feels his hand on Sam’s back.

“Hey.” Jared’s soft voice is soothing, his hand gentle. “You okay?”

Jared knows him too well. Sometimes Sam thinks his twin isn’t even a separate person.

“Yeah, yeah,” Sam nods. “It’s just — I don’t know. Just a weird feeling, that’s all.”

“Another time glitch?”

“No.” Sam shakes his head. “I think I got it. It’s something else, but I don’t know what.”

Jared massages Sam’s shoulder, and Sam leans into the touch. He always has. Jared’s body is like an extension of Sam’s. Jared knows just how to touch him to make him feel better.

“I think you’ve been working too hard,” Jared says. “How about a run after lunch? It’s a beautiful day. Fresh air would do you good.”

Jared was up early to finish a deposition. He’s got a little office in town, so he’s already been out, bringing home the groceries from the list Dean gave him. He’s always been the errand-runner in the family. Sam gets too absorbed in work to remember to eat, and Dean pulls rank every chance he gets. Having two pain-in-the-ass little brothers to raise and care for and keep safe has turned him into a bossy slave-driver.

The twins love their big brother, but Sam’s always been Dean’s favorite, and it makes Jared a little jealous.

It didn’t help matters when they learned that Sam and Dean were literal soulmates.

“Doesn’t mean I love him more than you,” Sam insisted when Jared pouted.

“Prove it,” Jared challenged, so Sam did, laying Jared out on the bed, then fucking him the way he likes, hard and fast and relentless.

When Dean found them later, sticky and naked and wrapped around each other like puppies, he stripped and climbed into the bed behind Jared, spooning him as he buried his face in Jared’s hair.

“Love you, little brother,” he promised. “Nothing’s changed, okay?”

“Okay,” Jared murmured, wiggling his ass back into Dean’s crotch, tucking Dean’s arm under his and lacing their fingers together. Sam pressed his lips against Jared’s sweaty forehead and closed his eyes.

It’s an unusual dynamic, but it’s the way it is for them. It’s been this way since the twins turned 18, so it feels normal. And although they’ve all had short-term relationships outside the family, they always come back to each other. In the end, and most of the time, it’s just the three of them, and it works. For them, it’s right because it’s who they are.

It’s their normal.

“Yeah, okay,” Sam agrees.

His stomach growls, and he lets Jared take his hand, guide him into the kitchen where Dean has something amazing simmering on the stove, of course.

“Found us a case,” Dean announces as the twins sit down at the table. Dean fills three bowls with steaming chili and sets a fresh-baked loaf of bread on the table between them.

“Yeah, you said earlier,” Sam says, digging in. Dean’s the best cook. And baker. Sam’s luckier than he likes to think about too often for fear of jinxing it. He’s still feeling uneasy about the spell.

“Same stretch of highway in Montana, drivers disappear out of their cars every ten years on a full moon, no sign of struggle.”

“Could be bears,” Sam suggests. “Or cougars.”

“No blood, no tracks,” Dean says. “Car stopped in the middle of the road, like it ran out of gas or died suddenly.”

“Freak mechanical failure?” Sam says. “Driver left the car and walked to town for help?”

Dean shakes his head. “Nearest town is thirty miles away.”

“So they froze to death or fell down the side of a mountain.”

“No bodies,” Dean says. “They just disappeared without a trace. The disappearances go back sixty years. The locals call that stretch of highway Ghost’s Pass.”

“Huh.” Sam rips off a piece of bread from the still-warm loaf. “Could be some weird coincidence.”

“Could be. Or could be our kind of thing.”

Dean’s eyes light up, and Sam knows he’s lost this one. They’ll be on the road tomorrow because Dean really needs to go. They’ve been cooped up in the bunker for over a week, and Dean needs this hunt.

“Tomorrow’s a full moon, Sam,” he coaxes, full lips quirking into his familiar smirk as his eyes sparkle. “Ten years since the last disappearance. Come on, man. Let’s check it out!”

“Okay.” Sam acquiesces. “But we wait till tomorrow, okay? I still want to run a few tests around the bunker, make sure I don’t find any more glitches.”

Sam’s been finding time glitches ever since Dean brought the weird magic pearl home a week ago. They destroyed it, but it seemed to leave behind a residue of its power, setting off the device Sam created which detects shifts in the space-time continuum. Before the pearl and the other timeline it brought into existence, Sam wasn’t even sure the device worked. Now it goes off at least once a day, and Sam’s had his hands full performing the spells needed to correct course again.

Not that they’d ever know if they were currently living in an alternative timeline, the little niggling voice in the back of Sam’s mind whispers. It’d feel normal, like this is the way things have always been.

“Sure, you do you,” Dean says, rolling his eyes. “I’ll be in the garage, working on the car.”

“You okay by yourself for a few days?” Sam asks Jared after Dean leaves the room.

“Of course.” Jared raises his eyebrows. “Same as always, Sam. Nothing’s changed.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just these glitches.” Sam sighs as he helps his twin clear the table. It’s a routine they’re so familiar with they never even talk about it. Dean cooks, the twins clean up. Win-win. “They’ve got me a little spooked, is all.”

“Run,” Jared reminds him. “Then shower. Then maybe a little afternoon delight.” Jared wiggles his eyebrows and slides his tongue over his teeth like the little bitch he knows he is.

“Oh, you are so going to pay for that.” Sam smirks. “You’re worse than Dean sometimes.”

Jared grins. He knocks his hip against Sam’s as they wash the dishes together till Sam pushes him playfully away and shoves a clean towel into his hand.

“You dry this time,” he orders, and Jared obeys, laughing gleefully.

The run does make Sam feel better, just as Jared had said it would. Sam’s so lucky to have a brother who understands him so well. Not that Dean doesn’t, but twins are special. Jared and Sam have always shared an extra layer of intimacy that even Dean can’t touch.

They make out in the shower afterwards, and when they move to the bedroom it’s in the seamless, wordless way they’ve always made decisions. Sam can’t remember the last time he argued with his twin. They never get tired of each other. Instead of becoming boring or old, their bond just gives them strength, makes them more sure of themselves.

They take turns fucking each other, since they both like to bottom and Sam doesn’t mind topping with Jared. He likes watching Jared’s face as Sam fucks into him, long and hard, picking up the pace as he chases his orgasm. He’s so focused he doesn’t even notice the door open, doesn’t feel Dean behind him until he hears him suck in a breath.

“Beautiful.”

Jared comes untouched at the sound of his big brother’s voice, which sets Sam off, too. He comes and comes, nearly whiting out with the intensity of his orgasm, gripping Jared’s thigh hard enough to bruise.

He collapses on top of Jared, his face buried in the crook of his brother’s neck where he breathes deep the familiar scent of sweat and soap and home. He’s so shaky and drowsy, he barely registers Dean sliding onto the bed behind him. When he feels Dean’s naked body line up with his, his dick slips free and he half-rolls onto his side so that their combined weight doesn’t crush Jared.

Dean kisses a line along Sam’s back to his hairline. He nuzzles into the back of Sam’s neck and breathes deep.

“Gonna fuck you now,” Dean murmurs into Sam’s ear, and Sam nods, adjusting his weight again so that his ass is exposed. He spreads his legs as Dean slips thick, slicked-up fingers into Sam’s loose, fucked-out hole. He moans as Dean’s tongue sweeps over the shell of his ear, prods the tender skin behind it, and licks over his earlobe.

Dean sucks Sam’s earlobe into his mouth as he replaces his fingers with his slicked-up dick, and Sam moans again.

“Okay?” Dean breathes as he slides in, slow and careful.

Sam nods, biting his bottom lip to keep from keening. He squeezes his eyes shut and focuses on the sensation of being filled as Dean slides his tacky fingers over Sam’s sides, around to his stomach and up over his chest, caressing, reassuring, careful. Always careful.

When he bottoms out, Dean stops and lets Sam adjust.

Being fucked by Dean is so different from being fucked by Jared. Jared’s always energetic, impatient, relentless, even more focused and possessive than Sam. He’s sure of himself with Sam, just as Sam is with Jared.

Dean fucks Sam like he’s the most precious thing in Dean’s world, like getting this with Sam is more than Dean deserves, like he expects Sam to make him stop. Dean fucks Sam like he can’t believe his luck and expects the other shoe to drop at any moment.

Dean’s insecurity turns Sam on more than it should, probably. He used to tease and manipulate Dean when they were younger, and although he knows better now, he can’t help himself sometimes. Dean’s far too easy.

“Come on,” Sam coaxes when Dean stays still, awaiting Sam’s signal that it’s okay to move. “Do it!”

Dean pulls out, slow and careful, then pushes back in. Sam ruts backwards, encouraging a faster rhythm, so Dean complies. One hand rubs circles on Sam’s back as he shifts back for a better angle, propping himself on one arm as he thrusts.

Sam’s eyes open. Jared’s watching them, a sleepy, contented half-smile on his soft lips. Sam reaches out, cups Jared’s face, leans closer and kisses him, long and deep.

“That’s it,” Dean gasps, up on his knees now with his hands circling Sam’s waist as he fucks into him. “That’s it, Sammy. Oh yeah, that’s good. That’s real good.”

Dean hits his prostate and Sam moans into Jared’s mouth, catches his bottom lip between his teeth and bites.

“So beautiful like that, Jay,” Dean praises. “All fucked out and sloppy. That’s my boy.”

Sam mouths blindly against Jared’s jaw as Jared cards his fingers through Sam’s hair, making Sam’s scalp tingle. When Dean hits his prostate again, Jared tugs sharply on a handful of hair, and Sam cries out.

He’s hard again. Hair-pulling always does that to him, whether it’s Dean or Jared doing the pulling, it never matters. But Jared knows how it feels. Jared understands _why_ it turns him on so much. Dean just knows that it does.

Dean reaches around, cups his balls, slides a careful hand along Sam’s cock. He’s still sensitive, can’t quite handle being grabbed and stroked, and Dean gets it immediately.

“That’s all right, Sammy,” Dean murmurs, stroking Sam’s belly instead. “You’re doing fine. Just fine.”

Dean’s hitting his prostate every time now, sending little shivery sparks up his spine as Jared drags his nails across his scalp. Sam’s eyes are squeezed shut against the influx of sensation, and when the bed shifts a little he barely notices. 

“Oh yeah,” Dean moans, and Sam’s eyes open as his nostrils fill with the scent of sex. Jared’s moved up on the bed so that he’s half sitting with his back against the headboard, legs spread around Sam’s head so that his balls and hole and half-hard cock are practically in Sam’s face. All Sam has to do is lean forward a little.

“Oh yeah,” Dean gasps again. “Do it. Go ahead, Sammy. Come on!”

Sam’s mouth waters. He parts his lips and pushes his tongue out, and Jared bears down as Sam gets his mouth around his hole.

Jared moans loudly as Sam pushes his tongue past the sensitized rim, tasting himself. Jared’s big hands grasp his ass, holding himself open, and Sam sucks and swallows, reclaiming the spunk he just shot into his brother’s body.

“That’s it, that’s it,” Dean chants, and Sam can tell he’s chasing his own orgasm now, watching Sam eating out their little brother. “So beautiful. Jesus, Sammy. Fuck!”

As Dean comes, he holds himself still, rigid, and Sam can feel his dick pulsing as he shoots deep inside Sam’s body. His thick fingers clutch Sam’s hips hard enough to bruise. Sam’s dick twitches with the effort to come in response, but he knows he doesn’t have much left to give.

Jared shivers and gasps, and a little trickle of almost-clear spunk spurts out of his half-hard dick. Sam wants to lick it up. He kisses Jared’s perineum, the sensitive juncture of his right hip, the soft skin of his inner thigh. There’s a mole there that matches the one on Sam’s own leg. He and Jared are identical in practically every way.

Jared’s just a little happier, Sam thinks. He was always their little ball of sunshine growing up. He lit up every room. He wanted to be an actor, got the bug so bad he booked a bus ticket to Los Angeles right after the twins were admitted to Stanford.

“We can defer,” he begged Sam at the time. “Come on, Sammy! Let me give acting a chance, okay? Just give me six months.”

But in the end, Jared gave in to Sam’s more practical plan. Sam flat out refused to go with him to L.A., and they couldn’t stand to be separated. It was hard enough leaving Dean.

Dean rolls onto the bed next to his brothers and falls asleep immediately. Sam kisses his way up Jared’s long torso to his jaw, finds his swollen lips and kisses deep. He knows Jared can taste Sam’s come by the way he sucks eagerly on Sam’s tongue, his body shivery and loose under Sam’s hands.

“Love you, Jay-Jay,” Sam murmurs against Jared’s warm skin, using the childhood nickname with real affection.

Jared grins as Sam snuggles in under his arm and presses his lips to Jared’s pec.

Dean sighs and rolls in so he’s pressed against Sam’s back. He slings his arm loosely across Sam’s waist and rests his hand flat on Jared’s belly.

As Sam falls asleep, he can feel the distant tug of his earlier uneasiness, muted now. His last thought is a promise to himself to run another check for timeline glitches as soon as he wakes up. It’s probably nothing, but Sam’s nothing if not thorough.

It’s probably nothing.

//**//**//

The bed is empty.

Sam rolls over, expecting somebody to be there. He can almost smell him.

Them.

“Rise and shine, Sammy!”

The door bangs opens and the light goes on and it’s suddenly too bright. Sam’s not ready for this.

Dean stands in the doorway, fully dressed and scrubbed and entirely too chipper. He’s got Sam’s boots and a cup of steaming coffee, and as Sam blinks and squints Dean throws the boots at him.

Of course they hit Sam square in the chest. Of course. Asshole.

“Ghost hunt, remember?” Dean crows. “Montana. Gotta go, man! Come on. Drink your coffee.”

He disappears down the corridor, leaving the door open and the lights on, and Sam panics. Something is so wrong here it isn’t even funny.

“Dean! Wait!”

He surges out of bed, glancing down at himself to make sure he’s dressed because he’s sure he was naked when he fell asleep. He’s sure he and Dean just had sex.

Which never happened before, or at least not that Sam remembers exactly.

The vague impression of someone else in the bed makes Sam’s chest ache. His eyes smart with tears. Somebody’s gone who used to be here. Somebody important no longer exists.

He catches up with Dean in the hall, grabs onto him and shoves him up against the wall.

“What the fuck just happened?”

Dean stares up at him, big green eyes wide with fear, which is how Sam knows he feels it, too. Something changed.

Before he can overthink it, Sam slams his mouth down over Dean’s, kisses him good, with tongue.

“Mmmft!”

Dean manages to push Sam away, and Sam stumbles back, letting him go.

“Ugh! God! What was that? You taste like ass, man!”

Dean wipes the back of his hand over his mouth and glares at him, daring Sam to answer.

“Tell me we’ve done that before,” Sam growls. “Tell me!”

Dean flinches, and Sam can see the effort it takes. Dean’s not sure he remembers exactly, either, which is a relief. At least they’re in this together.

“Of course we have!” Dean huffs, indignant. “Just not first thing in the morning before coffee. Or teeth-brushing. Sheesh, Sammy. What’s got into you?”

Sam takes a deep breath, letting it out slow, more relieved than he dares to show. He doesn’t want to freak Dean out.

“I think something weird just happened,” he says. “I don’t know what, exactly, but I think it had to do with that pearl.”

“Wait, the wishing pearl? The one that brought Dad back?”

“It changed the timeline, right,” Sam nods. “And I think we’re still feeling the effects from that.”

Dean frowns. “I don’t follow.”

Sam closes his eyes for a moment as another wave of sadness and grief flows over him.

“I think we just lost somebody,” he says, voice cracking. He swallows and opens his eyes again to find Dean’s concerned big brother face turned up to him.

“Yeah, Sam,” Dean says, fighting his own emotions. “We just lost Dad. Again.”

“No, I think there was somebody else,” Sam says. “Our brother.”

“Adam?”

“No.” Sam shakes his head. “Someone who was close to us. Who grew up with us, I think. I can’t remember. God, it’s like an idea that nags at the back of my mind but I can’t get it into focus. I feel like I’m losing my mind!”

He buries his face in his hands and scrubs the stubble on his cheeks, trying to get the blood to circulate. Reality itself seems to be fracturing. Sam’s not sure what’s real anymore.

“Jared.”

Dean says the word like it’s a secret he’s held onto for a very long time. He says it like he’s been afraid to utter the name out loud.

Sam gasps. His mind is flooded with memories that can’t possibly be his, growing up with a twin, a boy who knew him and understood him and loved him and Dean more than anyone. Someone who _changed_ him, who had an effect on Sam like no one else.

“You remember,” Sam breathes, staring wide-eyed at Dean.

“No.” Dean shakes his head. “The name just popped into my head. I got no idea what it means.”

Sam sucks in a breath, nods quickly. “Okay, that’s okay. I think it was another timeline. I think somehow we slipped into a different timeline temporarily. Some kind of residual effect of the pearl, maybe. We didn’t know it was any different. It felt real, you know? It felt real.”

Sam doesn’t realize he’s crying until Dean pulls him into a hug, murmuring, “Okay, big guy. Okay, now.”

He slumps into Dean, buries his face in the crook of Dean’s neck, and sobs.

He thought he’d cried enough when their dad disappeared, when the timelines reset after he destroyed the pearl a week ago, but apparently not. Dean holds him, rubs circles on his back as Sam experiences wave after wave of grief and loss, as he faces again all the ways his life could never go, all the people he’s lost.

He barely remembers Jared, but he feels he’s lost a part of himself he never knew he had.

Dean makes him clean up. He makes Sam take a shower and brush his teeth. When he’s washed up and collected himself, Sam joins Dean in the kitchen for breakfast. He sits silently as Dean feeds him and talks to him about the hunt.

“Cas and Jack are checking out that voodoo thing in Atlanta, so it’s a good time for you and me to hit the road,” Dean says. “Get out of here for a while and clear our heads. Do what we do best.”

Sam nods, says nothing. He knows Dean’s right. He’ll feel better when they’re on the road again. He always does.

“You know, he wanted to be an actor,” Sam says later. They’re driving, and he’s feeling the wind on his skin, and it’s good. He’s already beginning to feel more like himself again.

“Yeah?” Of course Dean knows what he’s talking about. Dean always understands, even when he’s being a dick.

“I like to think there’s a timeline where he did that,” Sam says. “Remember that crazy world where everybody thought we were actors in a show about our lives?”

Dean rolls his eyes. “I try to forget, but yeah, I remember.”

“The actor who played me was named Jared,” Sam says. “Maybe it was him.”

“That sounds a little crazy, Sammy, I gotta say. Even for us.”

Sam takes a deep breath and sighs. He rubs his sweaty palms along his thighs and stares out at the cornfields rolling past.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” he agrees. “You’re probably right.”

He can feel Dean glancing at him, worrying about him.

“I mean, you know that was like ten years ago, right?” Dean says. “No TV show goes on that long, especially not _that_ one.”

Sam feels himself deflate. “Right. Point taken.”

They ride in silence for a full minute, Sam hunched into himself miserably. He feels Dean throwing glances at him, but he doesn’t look up. He can’t.

Then Dean speaks. “But you know what, Sam? All those other timelines, I’ll bet there’s one where he’s there, doing whatever. Just like there’s probably a timeline where Dad’s still doing his thing, where Mom didn’t make that deal. There’s probably a timeline where we grew up normal, just a regular family with a mom and dad and two kids, maybe a dog. Maybe a little brother or two.”

Sam smiles sadly. “Yeah. Maybe.”

“But you know that’s not us, right?” Dean’s tone turns serious, gruff. “We’re who we are because of what we’ve done. This is our life, remember? This right here is us. It’s who we are, and I’m happy with it. I meant what I said last week in the bunker, Sam. I wouldn’t go back and fix it, even if I could. I wouldn’t. These are our lives, yours and mine.”

“Yeah, Dean.” Sam nods. “That’s right.”

“I like us, just how we are,” Dean says. “I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Sam nods. It’s not like there’s any way they can change things, anyway. Sam can deal, just like he always has. He can live with this aching sense of a phantom limb, of catching sight of his reflection in the mirror and feeling his heart leap for a moment, till he remembers it’s not Jared. It’ll never be Jared.

Living with grief and loss is normal for the Winchesters. It’s part of who they are.

Sam might never forget that glimpse of another timeline, but he’s grateful for the one he’s got.

He leans back on the bench and closes his eyes.


End file.
